I don’t really need to explain why hangovers suck. You either know already, you’re a Mormon, or you’re my mother who has never been drunk a day in her life. It seems like the better the night is, the worse the morning will be.
Hangovers aren’t something you can totally prevent, but they can be managed. (Yes, I understand that you can just “not drink” mom, but even Jesus was known to get it with some wine.)
So, let’s talk about some ways to manage hangovers. All the information contained in this comes strictly from my own totally scientific anecdotal research and the experts that commented on my Facebook status. I also called my buddy who’s a combat medic, which is basically a doctor in third world nations. This is some real insider information.
Facebook was a pretty valuable source for hangover remedy suggestions. People really like to talk about how to get away with boozing too much. People overwhelmingly responded with answers that revolved around hydration, which makes sense because hangovers are a result of dehydration. A lot of people said water, but I liked this answer from Dan Jones.
The only downside to Pedialyte is that you’re going to have to spend a few more dollars than you would on Gatorade. I’m cheap so I’ll save those extra dollars to waste somewhere else. But I know some of you Whole Foods gluten-free people probably don’t mind paying a little extra to avoid the cancer swimming in every Gatorade bottle.
The rest of the comments are about what you would expect. A lot of people suggested greasy food, with one specifically saying a fried egg and ramen. All in all, Facebook is a good place for guidance through suffering. That last part is a joke. Facebook makes me want to kill myself every day.
The Half-Ass Expert
I’ve got a good friend with whom I’ve battled many a hangover. We’ve stormed the bars of Muncie and destroyed countless Navies led by Admiral Nelson. (Remember I said I was cheap? Yeah, definitely not paying extra for Captain Morgan. I think an Admiral is ranked higher anyways so that’s got to count for something.)
My buddy, who we’ll call Medic, is a combat medic in the United States Military. This clearly makes him qualified to answer “What is the best way to deal with a hangover.” You think I’m kidding about him being qualified, but go hang out with some soldiers. They nurse more hangovers than Barney Grumble.
When I texted Medic about what the best way to detox was, Medic responded quickly and to the point with, “the best detox is a retox.” He wasn’t alone in this thinking. Numerous commenters on Facebook had replied that the best cure was more booze.
I like this suggestion. Fixing a problem by getting drunk is the best way to ensure you never have any problems. There’s also the shampoo effect which ensures you can get back to party mode quickly. I would recommend some sort of breakfast booze like a bloody mary or mimosa. Or you can be a real OG and go straight back to liquor. People will look at you funny when they see you chugging from a fifth of rum at 10 a.m., but they’ll walk away respecting you more as a person.
MY PERSONAL STRATEGY
I don’t drink much anymore, so I might be behind on the anti-hangover technology, but those stupid “Chaser” pills and self-proclaimed hangover cures have never worked for me. I’m not saying don’t try it for yourself, but I always found it odd that there was such massive overlap between people who cure alls work for and mini-segway enthusiasts. Take that for whatever it’s worth to you.
I never go into a hard night of partying without two Gatorades, some Tums, and Pepto waiting for me at home. This tip should appear self-evident, but a lot of people like to pretend that hangovers don’t affect them. Those people are idiots and deserve to suffer through their pain in silence.
You can get all of this at your local convenience store. While you’re there, go to the back and grab a couple bottles of Mad Dog 20/20. I was going to describe Mad Dog, but the Urban Dictionary entry is way too good.
I’d recommend drinking one Gatorade before you go out and one as soon as you wake up. This will make sure you don’t get a headache while you’re out drinking and then prevents one in the morning too. Take the Tums and Pepto at your own discretion. When I have heartburn I eat a small childs fist worth of Tums.
Now that you’ve woken up from the revelation that is MD 20/20, you’ll notice that physically you feel alright. Sure your stomach is a bit off, but nothing that won’t pass as you wake up. You’ll still have a head change, so probably avoid driving for a little while. Even if you feel like you could lead a marching band, you’ve still got alcohol in your system, no reason to risk a DUI at 8 a.m.
The next move to make is to get some greasy food. We talked about ramen and a fried egg earlier, but I ride out with the one and only International House of Pancakes. I had a friend who worked at IHOP and we use to go there every Saturday after a hard night out. We’d get a discount and the crowd usually consisted of old people and other college kids, still drunk from the night before. Just don’t do the Super Troopers syrup chug. While it’s awesome and will definitely get you some play with the ladies, the tremors you’ll feel and the fear of a diabetic coma that follow simply aren’t worth it.
Follow my steps and avoid your next hangover like a boss. Honestly, as long as you do something to hydrate, you’ll be fine. Easiest way to do that is by drinking a glass of water between each alcoholic drink. Sure you’ll feel gross going to the trough-style urinal at Rock Lobster every 40 minutes, but you’ll hate yourself less in the morning. And, after all, isn’t that what life is all about?
If you enjoyed this you can follow David on Twitter @DavidSchroeder_ for unlimited bad advice.