Surviving Under President Trump

So the American people voted Donald Trump into office, now what?

1. Get used to feeling insecure about your intelligence.

Donald Trump has big plans, lots of them, and they’re the best plans you’ve ever heard of. His plans are so great because, according to Donald himself, his IQ “is one of the highest.” That’s what he tweeted, anyway.

If policy proposals are a mark of intelligence, we’re going to need something more than a poorly punctuated tweet to solidify this claim. Also, yes, “bigly” is a word, but it’s not one to be used as often as Mr. Trump does. Is this country looking for guidance from someone who says, “We’re going to win bigly”?

In lieu of tax returns, Mr. Trump should take an IQ test and releases the score. It would probably be the highest score we’ve seen. Everyone would agree. Our heads would spin.

As someone who might be in line to be sued by Mr. Trump—he’s called journalists the “most dishonest people”—I’m personally fearful of how inferior my IQ is.

2. Either become a white dude or make friends with a bunch of them.

It’s no secret that a great majority of Trump supporters are white males, and a great majority of those white males don’t have a post-high school education. If you’re already white and male, what luck! Even if you’re at odds with everything Mr. Trump says, you’re at least on his team.

Would it hurt to also make frequent trips to Tractor Supply to buy hats and flannel? Absolutely not. The Tractor Supply hat could very well be a staple of Trump’s America.

It gets tricky when you’re not white and male. The great news is you have a chance to get around the obstacle by making friends with white males. It’s not bulletproof, but it might be your best shot.

3. Start paying attention to the way teenage girls talk—because that’s how your president talks.

This is the guy who wants to “totally” renegotiate the Iran deal and strengthen the military so that it’s “so big and so strong and so great.” This sounds awfully familiar to the things you say when your professor asks how you’re doing with your semester project.

What’s that? You’re interested in details? Nonsense. So if you care at all to be able to listen to your president talk and get an idea of what he’s saying, you need to (in a non-creepy way) start getting a feel for how teenage girls talk. I suppose an alternative would be to just ask them what in the world President Trump just said, but that would be weird.

4. Work on your pronunciation of “China.”

This might be the most important thing you can do for yourself in the event of a Trump presidency. If you’re having a conversation with your friends and pronounce “China” the way you have been in your entire life, you’ve sold yourself out. You’re an outsider, and being an outsider in Mr. Trump’s America will probably be scary.

It’s so hard to spell out the way Trump says China. There’s definitely a hard “ch” at the beginning—like it should almost hurt your mouth to make that sound. It also sounds like an intense “in,” pronounced “ine.” Then you just let the “a” roll off your tongue. A potential backup plan is to follow up your reference to China with accusations of creating the global warming hoax.

Jump to 3:09 and start practicing!